Playful Fear Fearful Playing

Playful fear is when I lean a bit outside of my comfort zone. Fearful play is different.

Fear is survival
Fear makes you run or freeze
Play is creating immersive softening
Slowing down
Playing with friends
Fear the enemy
The one in control and out of control

Waves are physics
They don’t think
Waves are force
Water moved by gravity by the moon and the sun
Water shaped by wind and terrain

I am a human
Obeying these same laws of our physical world
And I can think
I can study the waves,
Their shapes
Their rhythms
Their movements and then
I can dance with them
Except that nature is always stronger than I am
Than I ever will be
I have to trust that they will lead and yet not trick me.
I have to trust that they will let me lean into them and not kill me.
I have to trust.
Trust
The ocean is fun.

Playful fear is when I lean a bit outside of my comfort zone -in my work, learning languages, skiing or paddle boarding on the lake — any area I am comfortable in and landscape I am familiar with. From within the familiar, I can step to the edge of safety and lean into the unknown. I can ski a bit steeper terrain, paddle a bit faster, show my paintings in addition to my performance work, or learn how to say ‘Thank you’ in Icelandic. Then, that extra push of adrenaline brings a smile to my face, makes me breathe a bit deeper and makes me feel a bit more alive.

Fearful play is different. That’s me standing at the edge of the ocean, frozen in fear, gripping my big rented beginner surfboard and imagining the worst, while people around me are playing in and on the waves that break 3 feet away from me in the smooth sand. Early childhood memories of near drowning and being trapped in and on the water flush through my mind and flood my body with adrenaline.

I love the idea of surfing, but the ocean scares and overwhelms me. I stand in that space, that liminal space, where water meets sand, where the water is loud and the sand is messy. Where ocean becomes land and land becomes water, where the lines blur and the possibilities are endless. I look at the waves and feel fear in every cell of my body.

In order to move past this wall of fun and fright I needed to break down this situation of waves and surfing, and my fear, in many small steps. I needed a multi step approach and lots of time. Two winters ago, I started taking swimming lessons in order to learn how to swim properly and breathe calmly when in water. I now can freestyle swim a few short pool length without losing my breath and without a panic attack. I even enjoy the feeling of being suspended under water for a short while, as long as I am in control over the process.

The first day here in Rye, NH, on the ocean, I watched and watched and watched the waves, watched the surfers paddling out and surfing in. I watched the kids boogie board in the waves breaking at shore. I watched all day. At the end of the day, I approached the edge of the water and retracted as soon as a wave rolled toward me.

Yesterday, my daughter suggested for me to play in the waves with a boogie board. I didn’t know how to. “Watch the kids”, she said, pointing to a group of young children who were playing in the waves, laughing and giggling as the white water pushed their little bodies, which were supported by their small foam boards they were lying on, on shore. After watching the kids and the water for a long while, I still didn’t know how to use my boogie board. So my daughter taught me step by step: Face the wave and lay on your board just before the wave breaks — face the wave, face the wave — I ran to shore instead.

Back at the edge of the water, I waited for a set of smaller, very small waves. I was able to face these small tiny waves. That worked, and the accelerated push I got from the wave I put myself in front of, made me laugh too as I was sliding onto the soft sand.
I worked my way up in size, each wave a bit bigger, until about 2 feet. That’s when I stopped. Good enough for day one. My mind was exhausted.

Joy was rushing through my body and I was reminded that waves don’t have unpredictable emotions or an unstable mind. Waves are waves are waves. Water moved by wind and the magnetic pull of sun and moon, nothing more, nothing less. Waves aren’t dumping their anxieties on me or have a manipulating ego. Waves are moving water. Not more, not less.